So, in the midst of this stressful week, I have met some really nice ladies. And wow--thank god for nice ladies who come out of the woodwork when you need them! Let me just mention them:
1: Nice Pharmacist Lady
So right after my ob/gyn appt on Tuesday, I went to get my prescriptions filled for all my drugs-of-awesome. I handed the scripts (is that the right word) to the lady behind the counter. She was sort of dour and middle aged and didn't make eye contact, but that was okay with me b/c I was still sort of twitchy from the ob/gyn and was muttering randomly under my breath weird phrases like "tell me its hard to get pregnant, I'll show you, getting pregnant, stupid pregnant doctor, I KNEW it'd be hard to get pregnant, stupid getting pregnant, stupid doctor." So we weren't really connecting, this dour pharmacist and I but that was okay with both of us.
And then, when she looked at what I'd handed to her, she magically turned into a Nice Pharmacist Lady! And got all warm and sort of misty around the eyes and said, "Oh!! Honey, good luck with all of this!!" And then proceeded to tell me about how her daughter is also a little reproductively challenged, and she (the nice pharmacist) is starting to pay a lot attention to infertility treatments, and would I come back and tell her how it works? If it works and I don't need more drugs, I can just come back for prenatal vitamins! Just ask for Barb. She really wants things to go well for me.
And she was SO nice that she listened to a somewhat prostrated rant (more "tell ME its hard to get pregnant, stupid pregnant doctor talkin' 'bout getting pregnant" stuff) and didn't even bat an eyelid or subtly imply that if I was really feeling that way, then maybe I needed something stronger than clomid, perhaps a sedative or an antipsychotic. She just nodded very sweetly and said again, "Just ask for Barb."
2: Nice homoeopathy Lady
Yesterday I was in a total hurry, but popped my head into a natural foods store to ask if they sold this fertility supplement that I've heard to be effective, and which I thought might be a nice low key healthy thing to balance out the clomid-weirds. So I went in, and I'm standing in front of the vitamin shelf, and the little store owner comes whizzing by. The Homeopathy is sort of maternal and squat and dyky--picture a softball player with long hair and bouncing busoms. Low-voiced. Bouncy.
"Can I help you?" she said. And, although I don't really like to be helped I said, yes, she could, I was looking for this one supplement, or really anything to increase cervical fluid.
And she asked if I was trying to get pregnant? And I said I was. And she said: "AH! WHAT YOU WANT IS FERNING MUCUS!" And she said it just like that.
Now, I have gotten pretty okay with a lot of things during my months of thinking about baby making. Mostly I have done this by replacing the word "mucus" with the word "fluid" anytime we are talking about my Specials rather than my nose. Call me a prude, but there it is.
But this lady wanted to talk about FERNING MUCUS! AT LOUD VOLUMES! FAST!
She is very interested in FERNING MUCUS because she had artificial--no, but she likes to say alternative--insemination herself and if I wait I can see her 14 year old daughter walk in the door any minute so she knows a lot about FERNING MUCUS and how to make a lot of FERNING MUCUS and how the answer is: dairy.
She said, "I could sell you this or that, but plain and simple, what you need for your FERNING MUCUS is dairy. Ice cream, yogurt, cheese, milk, whatever. When's your target date? Come back and I'll sell you some raw cheese because it's so great and it's easily absorbency and it will really help you make a lot of FERNING MUCUS because you need is a lot of FERNING MUCUS because you really need to make a stream, a stream for the swimmers to climb into the uturus, so the more FERNING MUCUS you've got the better for those swimmers. Do you have good swimmers?"
Which is something we all must ask ourselves. Do YOU have "good swimmers?" I couldn't' ponder this question in depth, though, because I was two distracted by the Nice Homeopathy Lady's bouncing and her ACTING OUT, with full arm gestures of what the FERNING MUCUS STREAM would look like and how the SPERM WOULD SWIM up my DAIRY-INDUCED FERNING MUCUS STREAM. Ferning mucus! Streams! Dairy! Swimmers!
Finally she concluded that I'd been sufficiently convinced as to the importance of dairy in my production of ferning mucus, and she let me leave the store. But not before she said, "You're going to be a great mom. You seem really kind!"
And I don't know how she figured that out, unless maybe not everyone listens so intently to her protracted Dairy-MUCUS lectures, but I have to say it was good to hear.
(note illustration up at the top there of FERNING MUCUS, which I was able to upload so easily now to blogger's new updated photo feed. fun!)