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Sunday, June 26, 2005

How We're Doing

So this morning I went out for a short run (not that I would ever go for a long run; I'm not much of a runner). I was trotting along, sweatily, through one of the more residential and family-oriented areas of our neighborhood. Bungalows, sprinklers, etc. And then some flaccid middle-aged man, in a minivan with an american flag mounted on its roof, drove past, slowed down, and started yowelling "hey hey hey hey." He sounded like a honky fat albert. And I stopped mid stride and yelled, as loud as I could, "Fuck you, ASSHOLE!"

Actually, I didn't. What I yelled was, and I have no idea where this weird burst of rhetorical patriotism came from and I'm finding it a little embarrassing but never say I don't tell all: "You have a FLAG on your car! You should treat American women with some Fucking Respect!"

I swear I said that, isn't that weird?

Anyway, the point is (weird rhetorical patriotism aside): I live in a bit of a dicey neighborhood, and getting some cat calls is irritating but it's sort of par for the course and it very rarely provokes me to outburst. So I am thinking...despite the fact that I'm fine, I'm okay, that maybe I have a little bit of, you know, anger right now.

I've been a little cavalier about this (not just here, but in general), but I'm thinking that maybe I need to deal with some stuff a little more directly.

So: I'm upset.

Let's innumerate some reasons.

1: As always, my fucking ovaries. Or pituitary. Or whatever part of me it is that does not work. I am mad at it for not working.

2. My goldfish died this morning. I just can't really say anything about this, beyond mentioning that a dead fish in a hot kitchen is a bad thing to wake up to.

3. It's hot here. And B. is working like crazy this week and weekend, and I am too much alone.

4. My good friend's girlfriend just got diagnosed with endometriosis. However you spell that.

5. A casual acquaintance just had a miscarriage. I guess you'd call it that. But she went in for her eight month checkup, and the doctor told her the baby was dead. At eight months. And so she had to deliver it--and name it, and dress it, and bury it. It was a boy.

6. Compared to that, I think I don't have much to complain about But. I think I get to have a bunch of blood tests this weeek, to test for various hormonal problems. I'm not sure what happens then. It's worrisome, and I had a dream they had to cut some chunks out of my uterus because it was "dirty." I'm not kidding.

In general, I still feel basically optimistic about it all. I think this will be okay, and that I will eventually get pregnant, and that--while bad things will continue happening to good people--the world is a pretty lovely and summery place.

So I am working on trying to balance my general sense of okayness with my still-real sense of "THIS FUCKING SUCKS. ASS."

Okay. Back to it.

4 Comments:

  • Okay AltMama, I have a few things to say:

    One, I think you're comment to the flag waving driver was pretty interesting. I personally think there's an enornmous link between patriotism and patriarchy. I wasn't so convinced of this until I started working on my dissertation, and then I became convinced. Thus, your comments, while really super in my opinion, most likely fell on deaf ears. There's someone--blanking right now-- I just read who talked about the more a country is "unsure" of itself, the more that country subjagates the women. I can find this source if you wanna know more... probably not though.

    Two; I forgot two. I know there was more I was going to say, but the phone rang and I lost my train of thought. Do I have ADD or what?

    By Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom), at 5:13 PM  

  • oh yeah, i totally agree. but what's bizarre to me is that -I- got all patriotic...which isn't my normal mode. Given that generally I would think that flag waving boys are more, rather than less, likely to get all cat cally, I'm not sure why in that moment I found the flag/yelling combo to be particularly insulting.

    anyway. I myself am 100% positive that my wise words showed him the error of his ways, and he will never speak ill of women again. 100%, I say. :)

    By Blogger AltMama, at 7:04 PM  

  • i wish you the best of best wishes on your future pregnancy (which WILL come). i have polycystic ovarian blah blah syndrome (they did a pelvic ultrasound on me a few years ago, and all the black spots showed up, and the RN said, 'yup, you got 'em.' thanks. anyway. they told me i might have trouble conceiving, but i'm in no frame of mind/finance to carry a child (yet). but i'm hoping that when i'm ready to make the choice, i will be able to make it.

    and any bloated middle-aged man driving a mini-van deserves to be flogged naked, anyway.

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